FANCY NANCY

BOGNETTA: Hello, Hello Nancy? How are you?

NANCY: Oh, I’m just wonderful, Dear. What’s new with you?

BOGNETTA: Not much. I still swim in Lahaina and live at the Bungalow

NANCY: What’s that? Did I hear you right? You say you’re swimming in a Heinie and living in a Bung Hole?

BOGNETTA: No, No Nancy. Nothing like that. Say, have you had your hearing checked lately?

NANCY: No Honey, why do you ask?

BOGNETTA: Well, it sounds like you’ve gotta clean the shit out of your ears.

NANCY: What’s that? You takin’ it in the rears?

BOGNETTA: No, but funny you should say that. My rent is in arrears.

NANCY: Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that, Dear. Say, how’s the sun? I hear it’s wicked.

BOGNETTA: Well, considering how my Ex tried to put me thru hell with the divorce, I tried to find an alternative place that would be as hot.

NANCY: Okay, now that’s just about all I can take, Missy! First you tell me you’re swimming in a Heinie. Then you tell me you live in a Bung Hole. You tell me I should clean the shit out of my ears. (Oh-well, I know they get dirty from time to time, but still…it’s not very nice)

(NOT IN MUSIC) Finally, you say you’ve gone thru hell, but you’re in Hawaii, which is Paradise and Heaven. Anything else?

BOGNETTA: Good Grief!!!

NANCY: What’s that? You wanna make this brief? OKAY! I’m hanging up now! Good Bye!

 

 

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Booger Story

Once upon a time there was a booger. The booger was green and his name was SLIMY. Now SLIMY lived in a cave that had two openings. The openings were very peculiar – for they had long, wiry protrusions attached. They resembled hair. Maybe the hair was there to keep SLIMY from wandering out or maybe they were there to keep things from entering the cave. Because, after all, boogers have been well-known the world over to be a delicacy for the younger inhabitants. SLIMY had to be careful about where he wandered in the cave because some areas were more slippery and elastic than others. If he wasn’t careful, he may get himself transported on a big, white magic carpet called a Kleenex. The Kleenex would come around occasionally to wipe out all the slippery slopes of the mountain.

Another thing SLIMY had to be wary of was extreme reactions within the mountain. It is unclear what causes the extreme shaking and disturbances within the mountain, but whenever it happened, some of SLIMY’s relatives ended up getting thrown out of the mountain through the cave openings. Their bodies always got splattered all over things. One time SLIMY’s Uncle SNOT got splattered all over a television screen! It was his favorite pastime, however, so every one of the other green relatives just stood around in awe thinking…What a way to BLOW!!!

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Shooting Blanks

This piece of paper was once pristine

This dibit of parchment now is a dream

Had to fold it like origami

Had to spike it with Kawasaki

Had to write on it, spit on it

Had to swear and crumple it up

This piece of paper was once pristine

This dibit of parchment now is a dream

Had to sprinkle it with glam & glitter

Had to put up with assholes claiming it litter

Had to spray it with gold perfume

Had to give it something to eat…legumes

This piece of paper was once pristine

This dibit of parchment now is a dream

Had to endure rainstorms wet & sad

Had to walk through mud looking bad

Had to eat dinner straight from a can

Had to come to conclusion & deviate the plan

This piece of paper was once pristine

This dibit of parchment now is a dream

Had to present itself as honky white

Had to bend low if it wasn’t so light

Had been painted green with dead presidents

Had to put up with prejudice

This piece of paper was once pristine

This dibit of parchment now is a dream

Had to endure all the crooks

Had to stick a finger in dike to avoid the brook

Had to get squeezed like juice

Had to watch that movie Footloose

This piece of paper was once pristine

This dibit of parchment now is a dream

Had to stomp on it a few times

Had to march while keeping time

Had to declare its territory

Had to protest the observatory

This piece of paper was once pristine

This dibit of parchment now is a dream

Had to serve as kindling for a fire

Had to dress dolls to get admired

Had to consist of Reed, not Rawls

Had it skipped to my Lou…it falls

This piece of paper was once pristine

This dibit of parchment now is a dream

Had to get cut into snowflakes

Had to somehow compensate

Had to become graffiti or confetti

Had to endure palms sweaty

But all in all, this piece of paper is still pristine

And this dibit of parchment is everyone’s dream

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Anyways

Are you a coward if you run?

Are you brave if you stay?

What are with these questions? (ANYWAYS)

You tear me from my work

And demand that I just play

Either way I think it gets done (ANYWAYS)

Absolutely automatic without thought

Instantly the passions what I fought

It isn’t about you or me (ANYWAYS)

The pain reminds me I’m alive

The drama inside of me drives

All forces collide, I subside (ANYWAYS)

Was something else supposed to happen?

Violence, bloodshed, or derogatory language?

Is that precisely what you’d expect? (ANYWAYS)

Pressing on, I Carrey on

Because the machine still runs

Do you hear the motor purr? (ANYWAYS)

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Polly’s Ticks

Polly’s ticks are everywhere

Invading space & time

What can we, should we do with them

But suck a big, green lime

Light is shining bright above

It scorches left too long

If only we could dance

To that old, recurring song

Exterminate? That’s only hate

Or squish them one by one?

They’ll just come back a’ crawling

Looking for a little fun!

 

 

 

 

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Then Sings My Sole

Sure, you can have a shoe without a sole
Not too smart…especially if you bowl
Strike out as many times as you wish
Just be careful with your mouth
Learn how to wash a dish
Should you have one life to spare
Might as well take a dare
Perhaps then life could be a fair affair
Instead of madness in your hair
If only the eye let would let
You’d roam around a bit
You’d stop sticking out your tongue
Then allow the in sole to console (count yourself among)
To happily cajole
And be joyful when you’re on a roll
Try not getting pinned in the gutter
Think of talking and don’t stutter

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Just Sew

IMG_E0181[1]

He came out of the blue to say

‘Don’t be a frayed, just sew!’

Although I had bias, he advised me to

Cut it at an angle

The right side and wrong side

Should be gathered in the grade it seams

He said I could always baste

Before making an edge-stitch or stay-stitch

The notches can help align the pattern

Some seam allowance is needed

Between the raw edge and the stitching line

There’s no sense in getting cross grain

When the grain line runs parallel to what’s selvaged

It may be necessary to clip

For flattening a curved seam

It doesn’t much matter whither using

Top-stitch or under-stitch or knit or woven fabric

You can always finish seams

With a back stitch

And sometimes, some elastic is helpful…

He came out of the blue to say

‘Don’t be a frayed, just sew!’

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